Fixer no longer

“I think that attitude is what kept me around for so long, just having society make me feel like it's my job to fix this troubled man.”

The thing about little boys is that they grow into little men and the world gives them many excuses and reasons for their behaviors and habits. The thing about little girls is that we always grow into women, and we do that when men deem it so, when it is convenient for them to see us as women. There are no excuses for us. No one apologizes, or tender gloves our precious needs or egos. We are the worlds mop, we soak it in and clean you up. Our perceived job is to take it and let you wring us out.

Erin found herself in a relationship with a man who needed a mop. He verbally championed women’s equality, but what he loved more than pretending to be an ally was himself, was his voice, his traumas, his reasons for failure that were out of his control. It was never his fault that his life didn’t end up the way he wanted. It was definitely not his fault that his relationships had burned to the ground. And it definitely wasn’t his fault that Erin couldn’t fix him. How dare she not be able to absorb his pain.

Erin’s unhappiness in the relationship, the knowledge of the red flags, and beginnings of abuse began around three months in. She wanted out. But her partner experienced the loss of his father, and she felt the need to be the one who stayed. Her own unhappiness was trumped by his and her societally placed need to nurture others before herself became the foremost thought. The cycles of abuse intensified as they catapulted into a rhythm of bad times, repair, good times, and repeat.

There is a notion that abuse means visible bruises, broken bones, hospital visits or worse. What Erin experienced was a continuous breaking down of her own confidence, a neglect of her needs, and a mind trap that all was her fault. The emotional harm done was invisible and yet still brutal. She was so consumed by his own self-victimization that she never saw the true depth of the harm until she had finally gotten out. The hope of him becoming a better person kept her there, she felt the pressure to congratulate and reward his meager efforts at being a healthy partner. Wasn’t it her duty to help him become shiny and new?

Erin began to isolate from friends and family, he needed her too much. They would never understand what was going on between them. She kept the fights and her own feelings to herself, she stopped attending nights out with friends, events, and family holiday gatherings for the sake of being with him. Unable to ask anyone in her own world for help, Erin wrote to an advice podcast. She saw how far she had gone in neglecting her own needs to make enough space for being as supportive and generous to her partner as possible. Her partner found out, wrote the same podcast to make sure they had his side of the story as well. He kept her in a place of submissive guilt by gaslighting her. Her experience was not her own, she was wrong about what happened, she was crazy, she was the one who should be seeking forgiveness.

When the relationship was over, Erin was able to look back and see every moment as a manipulation. The lies he told to entice her attention in the beginning about his personality and interests, the nice things he did for her to keep her in the relationship longer, the way he placed the blame of his own short comings on her. We hope that Erin’s hindsight offers glimpses into someone’s own current moment, allows them to see the true level of abuse that is occurring, and motivates them to ask for help, reach out to someone, make that phone call and open up about the realities of what is going on. Hopefully that friend reminds you that you do not need a partner, your relationship status does not provide you any sort of value in the world, you are worthy without them, and your own wellbeing, safety, and happiness come first.

We wanted to leave you with Erin’s own words:

“Relationships actually don't have to be work and don't let politeness get in the way of ending a relationship with somebody. I think women are so often made to feel like we are caregivers and if something is wrong then we are the ones who need to be responsible, make the change, and work harder. I think that attitude is what kept me around for so long, just having society make me feel like it's my job to fix this troubled man and that it's fine if it's difficult because eventually it will be worth it. I'd also say if you want to leave somebody, regardless of the reasons, you just should.
Things won't get better and don't give that person the opportunity to get worse.”