Grant me the power to accept the things I can not change
“There are 3 steps: awareness, acceptance, & action. The acceptance step is the hardest.”
Written by Caroline Baxter
Everyone says that the hardest part of an abusive relationship is getting out. And it is hard. It is physically hard and emotionally hard. But the reality is that there is an even more difficult step before that: accepting that you are in an abusive relationship. Your own self preserving, society influenced brain will tell you, “that could never happen to me, this is different than that, it isn’t that bad, things will change, it’s just a rough patch…” Acceptance can take years. And then you have to take action.
Over the course of the relationship survivors have lost whole chunks of themselves; they have lost friends, possibly family members, they have lost their sense of security. There is a recovery that comes after that often times includes therapy to unload all the negative pieces that have filled the gaps where good things were broken away.
I spoke to a survivor who went through therapy and took the important steps of healing post domestic violence. It doesn’t happen overnight, or even in a year. It’s a slow process that reveals new layers and revelations constantly. For her, the healing began with acceptance (of herself, the abuse she endured), faith, and continues to this day as she helps others in abusive relationships.
“Becoming employed in a domestic violence organization became an opportunity to learn more, and understand that I too was in an abusive relationship. Not physical, but in every other way,” Laura said. “This was God, putting me in that place at that time. The executive director of my agency shared an incident in her own personal life that felt like God speaking to me…you are not alone.”
Throughout Laura’s divorce, she sought out a therapist and attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to further understand the impact that her husband’s addiction had on her life. She did her own research to seek methods of coping with the grief that came along with the end of her marriage. Part of this was writing a set of letters, one for Hellos and one for Goodbyes. After rereading the letters to herself, she realized what emotion filled the letters the most.
“The amount of anger I had, disappointment that I had stayed in the relationship so long and allowed it to affect my children and family was surprising. I was unable to express this for fear of retaliation for years. I was angry with myself for not speaking my truth to my husband, avoiding the conflict, anger, and verbal abuse,” Laura said. “But ultimately there was a feeling of empowerment for speaking my truth. Little by little I am letting go of the anger, but it’s still there. I am working on forgiveness, and prayer is what has gotten me this far.”
Laura, like many of us, found the strength and support that she needed to take the necessary steps towards a more fulfilling life by realizing that what she was going through was not an anomaly. One person sharing their similar experience was the difference between Laura staying and listening to more empty promises, and getting out.
“It’s important that women and children understand that they are not alone, that others experience what they are experiencing, and it doesn’t make them weak, or a bad spouse or child. They are only responsible for their actions, not the actions of the abuser,” Laura said. “I believe there are 3 steps in the process: awareness, acceptance, and action. The acceptance step is the hardest. We second guess ourselves, want to make sure if we decide to leave it’s the right time to leave, etc. For me, this took many years.”